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Shit4Brains.co.uk/#projects

WARNING

If a link brought you directly to this section of the website only view the content above if you are not easily offended.

However, this website is called "Shit4Brains", so if that didn't give you a clue as to it's contents then you might be ripe for buying some of my Syrian timeshares or Zimbabwe dollars.


MY PROJECTS

My Tricycle of Deterrence


People would keep parking across my driveway. Rarely right across, but if someone left 2/3 of a parking space downstream the next cunt would often park with a third of their vehicle overlapping my driveway:


Like the police have an attitude test to pass if leniency is to be meted out, telling me "You've got enough room to get past" was a definite fail.

As Trump has yet to make firearm availability part of a USA-UK trade deal, I had to have a think.

Now, a vehicle may be parked on the highway if it does not cause an obstruction. So, I could park a vehicle right up to my driveway dip, leaving no gap. But even an old banger needs an MOT, road tax and insurance.

Luckily, in 1968 the good old United Nations in their "Vienna Convention on Transportation" declared that a bicycle was a vehicle. The UK duly signed up, changing it's previous legal definition that a bicycle was a "package".

So, a quick trip to Argos secured their cheapest bicycle (£80). But a bicycle could be easily moved or parked next to. Another think.

Two trailer wheels (£44), an Ikea storage box (£15), two red reflectors and some angle-iron later, and after a bit of welding I had myself a tricycle (harder to move or park next to) that could be parked right up to the driveway dip:


Not only does the chainlock wrapped around the front wheel deter movement of the tricycle, but the fact that the two trailer wheels are actually welded to the frame also helps:


To finally deter bodily lifting the tricycle, the coup de grâce was 40kg of concrete (£20) poured into the rear Ikea box:


The concrete (and the rear angle-iron sharp point supporting it) also gives the tricycle a certain physical gravitas should any cunt run into the back of it.

So far it's actually worked, nobody having subsequently parked across my driveway!

Furthermore, no large vehicles can fit between it and my neighbour's car blocking my view. Also, old dears that used to find it easier to park outside my house than in a tight carpark nearby now see the handlebars as more of a car-scratching risk and move on.

One man did ring my doorbell. Not to complain but to tell me that he wanted a tricycle for his wife.

I said that I'd have to inspect his wife before considering the swap. (Credit: Ben Elton, "Blackadder the Third")

My Taxi Toy With Attitude

Go to Argos (or Amazon) and buy a taxi toy:


(Don't buy it at a toyshop, as without kids in tow you'll look like a nonce.)

Replace the toy's original sound card with a £2.50 ISD1820 sound module, and record a more authentic London Cabbie message:


Full construction details here

My Katastrophenschutzwagen ("Disaster Support Vehicle")


My GSX-R1000 (Straight bars/Voyager fairing)

After I fell off my motorcycle (again) I decided to use the engine (Suzuki GSX-R1000) in an "Axis-Power-Superlight meets Arial Atom" special:



Engine:  Suzuki GSX-R1000 (165Bhp; De-restricted)
Drive:  Chain to single-sided VFR swing-arm (inverted)
Exhaust:  Modified GSX-R titanium with powervalve
Chassis:  3" 16swg steel tube
Front suspension:  Lotus-7 type / Sierra uprights
Rear suspension:  2x Honda VFR (one inverted)
Steering:  Escort quick-rack
Wings:  4x VW Beetle (thin-gauge)
Odd&Sods:  90° & 180° pipe bends / 4x Gaz adjustable coilovers / Sparco "Nelson Fandango Lardass" seat / Ford Scorpio wheels / Honda-to-Ford adapter-spacers / Sump-pan anti-surge plate / WHSmith toe-tag
Weight saving:  No diff.(∴ no LSD) / No passenger seat / No windscreen / No wipers / No heater / No airbags / No ABS / No need for Dignitas / No flowers please

UPDATE

Heavy man! Just too heavy! So:
The front might still use the VW Beetle wings, but the back will look like a Morgan 3-Wheeler. However, the reduced width (one seat) should give it better cornering stability than the Morgan.

With now one rear wheel instead of two, I'll use the dual 4-pots for fast into corners, brake like fuck, potter round then floor it on the exit. This, combined with the sump baffle, +30% sump filling and oil pressure gauge should stave off terminal oil starvation incidents.

Regarding the VW wings, I fancy experimenting with this idea where the bloke cut two VW wings in half and welded them back together:


...but instead of a cool bike I could use them to create a sort of poor-mans' Delahaye:


So, I cut my two front wings in half and welded them back together:


The headlamp bowl dictated the cutting, but unlike the bike I needed the two arches to be parallel, which makes the back look a bit too square.

Also, the KSW is rather low so the bottom of the lamp is only 35cm above the ground (>50cm is the law for headlights). 50cm comes about 2/3rds up the VW lamp.

I know! I can put an indicator in the bottom (legal if >35cm) and a LED projector headlamp in the top 1/3rd.

Sorted!

Alternatively, I can convert he whole lamp into one massive indicator and have a separate headlamp like on the Delahaye.

But this whole idea might just look too fucking weird.

Oh...


...it does look too fucking weird.

So, back on the Lotus7/Morgan look, I cut 2 trailer mudguards into quarters, welded in some sheet steel and created two Morgan-style cycle wings:


Remember the 1960's F1 Lotus:


When I cut up the KSW1's front tubes to make a bumper...


...guess what it reminded me of (even if it looks like it's overdone it on gym-time and steroids).

Accordingly, I may paint the mudguards black and the bumper yelow. Dunno yet, but talk about "Get outa my way!".

And, because the rails are scaffolding, you can use spigots and spring clips to remove the bumper for track-days or hill-climbs when you want to save weight:


Now, Morgan look-alike rear end and pedalbox.

July 2024

Got the final alignment for the MkII Escort pedalbox and welded up a permanent fixture:


This now adds extra bracing to the top rails, with the steering rack supports doing the same for the bottom rails.

Now, I know you'll be querying why I used a pendulum setup rather than a floor-mounted jobbie. Well, I prefer the action and it clears the steering rack underneath it. Remember, I'm sitting right up front with my feet between the front wheels and my toes over the steering rack. Also, although the pendulum setup has greater height I now have a spare wheel up front which is taller than the pedalbox.

I got the Focus RS space-saver wheel (which will now act as the bumper) because with a single rear wheel running in the centre of the road picking up all sorts of shit I thought it worth the weight penalty.

Hopefully, when Michelin pull their finger out and get UK approval for their UPTIS wheel and tyre combo...


...I'll buy 3 of them and junk the spare.

Fixed the IKEA seat in (and splashed out another £25 for a black one):


However, on another visit I saw this "Eldberget" seat for a tenner which looks (and feels) much better:


As for the Morgan lookalike rear, I found these trailer mudguards for £50:


...which if you flip them to the hoizontal they make a rather nifty compound curve rear-end/bumper:



I might add a flat, wooden deck (like a boat-tail) with a dummy crate or picnic hamper to cover the top of the wheel:


The advantage is that if someone rear-ends me it's just £50 and some balsa-wood to repair.

My Monkey Harley

As we live on a small island and have a better diet, to get that bad-ass, obese-Yank look, fool the eye by making a replica Springer Hog 1/3rd the size of the original:



Don't worry if you piss-off any local chapters. Although it only has 12Hp, most Harleys only have 60Hp, weigh a ton and have fat bastards on board. Hence, you'll still blow them into the weeds if you have to leg it.

Furthermore, at 100 yards they'll think you're a mile away and thus out of shot-gun range.

My Citroën Belle End (or "Tart au Citroën")




Buy a C3 Pluriel for 600 quid and junk the stupid roof.

Take out the rear seats and add an aluminium deck. You can then cut the roof in half (so it fits in the now massive boot) and actually take it with you when you go out. England 1 France 0.

Cheaper than painting the deck to match, buy a BannerBuzz.co.uk van sticker for £40 and set the background to the body colour. As the sticker is an image, you can get all arty-farty and add faux Citroën publicity pics:

Pub Quiz: The white cloud in the 1920's advert above subliminally suggests that:
  1. They've got a Citroën, so these girls are independent and don't need that passing steam train any more.

  2. The car's engine can be left running, so these girls don't have to hand-crank the bastard every time.

  3. By driving a Citroën, the girl on the right has become really popular. Due to the heavy clutch, her pelvic floor muscles are so highly developed that she can now smoke Gauloises using her cunt. Unfortunately, being a French Catholic, she has been buggered so many times that the smoke then comes out of her arse.
Hint: "Techniques de Fumage" and "Techniques de Sodomie" are the only two compulsory units of the Baccalauréat Général.



More in-depth construction details are available here

And don't forget the merch:



My Suzuki Jimny


My TDR 250 to TDRR 900


My TDR 250 was fun. Impractical, but fun and a great laugh. It's 250cc TZR two-stroke engine only came with about 45bhp, but as Yamaha had put it in a trail-bike frame that weighed less than a saturday morning shit the laughs just kept coming.

My first mod was to fit a Billet six-pot front caliper. Great for stoppies, but resulted in me having to replace the headstock bearings after just two weeks. Still a good laugh though.

I then experienced the famous Yamaha TZR engine seizure (a pin drops into the cylinder). How I laughed when at 70mph in the outside lane of the M4 my rear wheel suddenly locked up. But it did result in a Stan Stephens stage 2 rebuild, and 60bhp.

However, the 60bhp (and showing off) meant that the rear wheel spokes distorted. Alf Hagon stainless spokes fixed that.

When the engine seized again I didn't laugh a lot. But what now?

Fitting a 900cc Fireblade engine and tank would be a laugh.

So I did:


I cut the frame in half and added some bent tubes to form a Ducati style perimeter frame, and welded the front end back onto it. The TDR plastic panels fitted a treat as the TDR has its spannies on either side of the engine at the top.

I didn't have a jig, but by placing a bottle-jack in the frame to align it (and then welding in some bracing tubes) the frame was put under tension and became really stiff. The only downside was that to align the Fireblade sprocket I had to offset the engine. No problem, apart from when it wheelied it wanted to flop over to the right.

Well, just don't wheelie then.

However, it wasn't the offset that was the most inconvenient bit. Remember I said that the 60bhp Stan Stephens tune distorted the rear spokes. Well, guess what 120bhp did? Oh, and the TDR rear tyre wasn't a happy bunny either. So a TZR cast rear wheel and a Bridgestone fuck-off tyre were procured. I eventually found a cast front wheel. These are much rarer than the rears as TZR riders rarely reverse into things.

After a while I felt another mod was called for. Unfortunately, second-hand Fireblade frames are frowned upon by the insurers (ringing stolen bikes you see), and they come at a premium at the breakers.

"Hello, is that Honda UK? Can I buy a Fireblade frame please? £1200 you say. Sounds reasonable. What? You want the original frame number or no go? Here it is... Sorry... Oh your system doesn't recognize my number? Well that's probably because it's a Yamaha TDR 250 number. Hello? Oh, you've got to ask your manager...(10 minutes pass)... Ah, so he says that's no problem as he's just pissed himself laughing."

So, I then sourced a Fireblade swing-arm, rear wheel and tyre (plentiful, probably for the same reason as the TZR rears).

By swapping taper bearing tops and bottoms around I got the TDR front end to fit into the Fireblade headstock, et voila, TDR 900RR:




As a benefit, the longer TDR front forks and bigger wheel cured the Fireblade's twitchy steering.

The only problem was track days, where the single Billet 6-pot caliper would cook and fade. But who needs brakes anyway?

Oh, talking of track days, I took it to the one in Anglesey. As the only bloke on a "SuperMoto" I thought I'd do that cool Frenchy thing on corners where you slide the sole of your boot along the ground and use you knee to hold up the side of the bike.

When I got black-flagged I thought it must be for dropping oil or something (like I did with my MGB V8 Roadster at Goodwood). But oh no. It was for sliding my boot on the tarmac. When I asked why this was a problem, the marshal said it could damage the track. When I called him a cunt luckily his boss sided with me. Top bloke!

Epilogue

No pictures, but a https://www.gov.uk/check-vehicle-tax for H108KUD will show:


When I later bought the GSX-R1000, my itchy fingers put the Fireblade's cavernous perimeter frame to good use by stuffing in a Lombardini diesel engine and Comet belt-drive system:



Sorry, no pictures and for space reasons the bike is in bits at the back of the garage.

However, I sometimes start the engine. A single cylinder diesel on slow tickover is a restfully Zen experience.

Also, I might build another Monkey Harley using the Lombardini setup.

Or, I might run the engine in a pram and walk around Ultra Low Emission Zones pissing off Eco wankers.

Memory Lane

When I find the photos in the loft I'll put them here, but other projects included:


MGB Roadster:

Did the V8 conversion myself:





My first love.

My upside down welding was so bad in those days that I drilled through the floor and just bolted in the SD1 gearbox crossmember. Sorry. I was young.

Couldn't find a remote-filter oil pump base. Luckily, Alan next door was an Admiralty Certified welder and welded up my ali oil pump base to clear the crossmember. Top bloke!

Lost coolant on the first 3500 'S' V8 and warped the heads. Had to buy a whole, rusty, SD1 Rover to replace the engine, but it was cheaper than sourcing it separately and I got a second manual gearbox in the process.

Couldn't find a 3.0:1 crownwheel and pinion, so had a Capri 3ltr axle sectioned by a local engineering shop. To centre the diff I had to ask them to make the half shafts unequal lengths. If you are a later owner, please don't reinstall them the wrong way round (you'll be fucked!).

I kept the Capri's original leaf-spring bracket locations as this only meant that the rear was an inch wider each side than stock. At a show in 1983, an MG expert (a.k.a "Wanker") insisted that this must adversely affect the handing. When I replied "Like on a Porsche, or a Formula 1 car?" he fucked off.

At the same show another "Expert" asked why I didn't keep it original and use the remote SU carbs at the back of the engine. I replied "You mean the ones that give less power and ice up?". I then added "Besides, MG never made an MGB Roadster so who gives a fuck about originality?". (Note: The MG RV8 wasn't made until 9 years later).

Sold it years ago, but a https://www.gov.uk/check-vehicle-tax for VGC88R will show it's still alive.


Yamaha XT 250:

Long wheelbase Series III Land Rover:


My second V8 conversion: I was at Real Steel ordering a small-block Chevy (£3k). Saw the big block stuff in the catalogue. Testosterone flood. Blew £9k of my £10k credit card limit in one hit.

Guess what. I'm not married. But my credit card company loves me.

Handled like a pig and drank fuel like crazy (Duh!). My MGB V8 would tick over for a minute on the Holley float bowls. The big block: 5 seconds.

Eventually sold the Landy's bodywork and roll cage for parts, but still have the V8, Tremec box and the TWR Racing LSD.

Royal Mail Schadenfreude 1: The roll cage was delivered by my postie in his little van with the question "What the fuck is in that box? It weighs a ton!"

Royal Mail Schadenfreude 2: I had to pick up the enormous new soft-top (aka "tilt") from my local Royal Mail depot. The jobsworth behind the counter was a miserable fuck. After 10 minutes he returned with a shrug and a "It's not here". I told him it was, and to check again. If he'd been nicer I would have told him that the big cardboard box on the floor behind the counter (the one with "Land Rover" emblazened on each side) was probably it. However, it amused me that he had to awkwardly step over it each time he went out the back to check. Ater 3 iterations I put him out of his misery.


Other Vehicles (excluding company cars)

Ford Escort (Thanks Mum & Dad! Crashed once)
Austin Metro
SD1 Rover (Bought for the engine but ran for a year)
Honda 90 (Crashed once)
Kawasaki GT750 (Crashed once)
Yamaha FJ1200 (Crashed 3 times)
Yamaha XJ900 (Crashed once)
Honda CBR600 (Hooray! The only bike I never crashed)
VW Polo
Ford Scorpio Ultima Estate (Ugly but comfy, like me)
Suzuki GSX-R1000 K1 (Crashed twice: the day I collected it and 16 years later) See here

Bikes: "If you're not coming off, you're not trying hard enough"


Toyota Aygo Diesel:


OK, not a project (and bought as a town runabout) but:


VW + MGB

If I ever get around to it...


I wanted some open-air fun, so bought a VW Bus front end and an MGB windscreen to convert my Suzuki Jimny into a forward-control Land Rover thingy:


However, the Citroën C3 satiated the open-air desire, and the Jimny proved to be such a great all-rounder I left it as-is.

But maybe, one day...

BMW Z8

If I ever get around to it (2)...


They were selling these off cheap, probably because kiddies don't know what the fuck a BMW Z8 is.

Also, kids these days probably prefer Cadillac Escalade replicas, driven while they snort coke, slap up their 4 year old sista bitch and pop caps into enemy bloods.

I already had some Mini wheels, and that Honda 125cc engine looks like it would fit...

Poor Man's Brompton

Whilst in Halfords (yeah, you kinda guessed I would be) they were selling off kiddies' BMX bikes for £60.

OK, I know I'm twice the weight of a child (alright, three times), but the BMX is designed to survive riding off the top of garages or Range Rovers for fuck's sake.

Fed up with flat tyres on previous bicycles, I thought cellular-foam wheelbarrow wheels would be a wizard wheeze solution so:

*72 fucking 3mm holes to drill; 72 fiddly 3mm fucking nuts and fucking bolts to fix the fucking gearbox to the fucking spoke holes; fucking hours trying to align the fucking wheels, fucking hub carriers, fucking gearbox, fucking chain and fucking sprockets

However, after all that, the tyres gave so much that with my 15 stone on board (allright, 16 stone) in order to move faster than I could just walk would need a fucking engine.

Oooh, there's an idea...

Le Mans Spectator Stand

Each year, top bloke and thoroughly all-round good egg Akers would secure a camping pitch at Le Mans (Maison Blanc) right next to the track. To see over the crowds, he would assemble a decorating tower and lash it to the Armco barrier (obviously, not the one right on the 24H track but another one).

Now, I know you'll find this hard to believe, but one year the French officials got all uppety and banned anything being secured to the Armco. I know, not like the French at all.

So, I got 4 ladder-beams and built this monster to be free-standing, using the fact that it would actually sink into the ground to lock itself in place using said terra firma as the base of the lower triangles:


To get it there, Akers cut a slot in the front of his caravan and slid the beams inside. Yes, he's as mad/stupid an engineer as me. Bless him!

French security gave it the once over.

Me being a smartarse nearly sank us when I gesticulated to the other side of the track, telling them that our mates were building an identical structure over there ready for bridging over.

Luckily they were Algerian and not true Frenchmen, so had a sense of humour. They were French enough though to be placated with glasses of red wine and a carton of Akers' cigarettes.

It worked well, but on the way home it broke the chassis of his caravan. Sorry. But his missus Tracey jumped on the excuse to buy a spanking new caravan. Being half deaf, I don't know if they actually did any spanking in it, but if they did they never invited me in to watch.

So, for the MkII I came up with this:


So as not to wreck his new caravan (and our friendship), I designed it to pack flat and fit into my Aygo. After taking out all the passenger seats you get 7 foot of storage space from the front footwell to the rear valance, and that was enough to take the longer of the scaffolding poles and ladders.

Decorator's aluminium platforms formed the floor, and a lazy-susan provided a table under the umbrella. The table also stopped you falling over the edge when you had drunk all the beers on it:


Although shorter than the previous towers, like Robespierre it still put you well above the proliteriat masses to see the track whilst seated:



As you can see here, no Union Jack but foreigners soon guessed we were Brits from the quality of the engineering, the vase of flowers on the table, the satellite dish for the football and the copious amounts of beer being consumed around the clock.

Also, Colin (in the hat) flaunting all health and safety regs by wearing his kecks around his ankles whilst on a raised platform, plus periodically mooning to the crowd and any passing race cars, would have removed any remaining doubts about our country of origin.

My Pallet Trailer

What is it with me and scaffolding? Maybe it's because I'm overcompensating for having Lego as a child and not Meccano.

Anyway, got creative with aluminium scaffold poles and those joint thingies meant for handrails.

Manual pick-up/drop-off is made easy due to the gateless rear access:


This version uses Indespension wheel units, linked by an aluminium scaffold pole axle. I have a pallet mover with an X-frame that can lift to 1 metre, and this conveniently clears the axle for loading/unloading:



Carrying stuff in bulk bag(s):


Here, the upper horizontal poles pass through the loops at the top of the bags. When the poles are removed the bags can be dragged (or tipped) off the trailer, or lifted by a forklift truck. The loops here have been rolled-up and secured with cable-ties to use the full depth of the bags.

Farmers could rope-tie the bottom of the bags and release the contents (e.g. fertilizer or feedstuffs) through the open base of the trailer onto their fields. Also, Pikeys could use it to spread their rubbish all along the inside lane of the A1 at night, leaving more space in their layby for fighting or stripping stolen cars.

The high rear light board and frame are set for UK legal height and width (honest, officer!). This not only facilitates unhindered rear entry (no Gay-Boy jokes please) but also:
  1. Makes the trailer's position visible to short-arses like me when manoeuvring behind my 4x4
  2. Improves trailer visibility for following vehicles
  3. Can be used with chains to swing loads onto a flat pallet used as a load bed
  4. Presents twin scaffolding tubes at car bumper level, so cunts (like the one that ran into the back of my previous trailer) will totally fuck up THEIR car rather than MY light board
Being based on scaffolding, the trailer can be disassembled for transit inside a vehicle. Transit in a Transit maybe?

This trailer was designed to carry Euro pallets (80cm x 120cm), but should you want to carry the slightly larger US pallets (48" x 40") then cut longer tubes. Although, if you didn't work that out for yourself then maybe you shouldn't be using cutting tools in the first place, or be allowed to vote in national elections.

I did experiment with an axle-less version, with the Indespension wheel units braced with gusseted (Ooh Err Missus!) welded metal plates:


With a removable tailgate (secured using scaffolding spigots and pins) the trailer can engulf the load, which is then raised and supported with poles passed under (or through it) and clamped to the side rails. The poles can be passed through the gaps under pallets, but this may prevent the load being lifted off by a forklift truck.

Here, to load a bike, the trailer is first see-sawed to lower the back to pick up a pole passed under the bike's swingarm. As the rear of the trailer is raised the pole brings the bike upright (and level) as it lifts it off the sidestand. The trailer is then see-sawed to drop the front to pick up the front of the bike using a pole passed through the hollow front axle:


...or (if you have a solid axle) using an A-frame that locates in the headstock:


I have also cut scaffold swivel-clamps in half and welded them to the bases of small electric winches. These can be clamped anywhere on the trailer to lift the load, or drag the load into the trailer.

A load raised using these winches (or lifted using jacks) is then supported using two poles passed beneath it. The poles are then clamped to the lower rails with scaffold clamps, and act as further bracing for the trailer.

Furthermore, being bottomless (add your own joke) the trailer could straddle a hole and use its winches to transfer the load out of (or into) the hole. Grave robbers (or undertakers burying fat fucks) apply here.

Consumer Product Test

HardDrive Prostate Massager (£28)

Sourcing
Ironically, it was at the bottom of the rack in the local Anne Summers shop.

As I rose from my crouched position with the box in my hand, the young shop-girl was standing right next to me. She asked sweetly "Can I help you?"

I should have said "Yes, what should I do with this?" and she should have replied "Shove it up your arse" and I should have complained "Well, there's no need to be rude!"

However, I only thought of this scenario after I had left the shop.

She did say (as she handed me the receipt) "That's also your guarantee - any problems and you can return it".

But I must admit, I was rather sceptical about that part of the contract being honoured, especially if I were to return it covered in my own shit.

Test Results
It has 10 vibration modes
You try changing the mode with it up your arse
 
It does feel great when well lubricated
When well lubricated, it shoots out of your arse if you let go of it
 
If not lubricated, it stays in your arse
NEVER EVER EVER try it unlubricated!!!
 
It didn't have any shit on it when I removed it
 
It didn't make me ejaculate hard enough to knock pictures off the wall or the cat off his feet
 
It didn't produce enough jizz to extinguish a small chip-pan fire
 
I don't have an enlarged prostate
Mine is probably so small, I never actually found the bastard!
 
When flaccid, it works beautifully slipped between willie and foreskin
The erection this rapidly creates makes it fall out onto the floor, scaring the cat
 
Just breaking the seal on the box voids the warranty
 
If disappointed (and with its warranty voided), give it as a Secret Santa present (without cleaning it) to that bloke in the office you really hate, or to the woman with a small fanny and scat proclivities that you really like

Conclusions


Options
If it doesn't work for you either, as it's silver you could use it as a hood ornament:


A sort of Rolls Royce "Spirit of Anal Ecstasy".

It might actually work, should a naked parachutist (with a large prostate) land on your bonnet arse first.